Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
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I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
🤣🤣
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…