cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
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Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Velcrow
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.