When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
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Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
what’s more important?
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.