[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
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ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
I wish I were this cool 😂
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Baller is short for ballerina
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.