I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
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With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
how much for the angry fruit?
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Oh, I bet you would be
Yeah. This was me today.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.