men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
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Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Stick it to the man
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
#growingpains
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.