Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
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Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
This kid is going places
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
💯😂
Posting this on behalf of a friend
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.