can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
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The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
can’t catch a break
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
no one likes gloating
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes