I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
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why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.