Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
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Need this in my life lol
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down