me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
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If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table