[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
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i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*