Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
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*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.