I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
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This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
need him
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.