My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
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I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
I want what they have
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
My love language is deader than Latin
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
I think I’ll stand
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers