The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
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Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?