Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
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what are they serving at kfc then???
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.