What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
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[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car