no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
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16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
OMG 🤣🤣
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word