How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
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If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats