Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
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Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Cat is stressing him out.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.