[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
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I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Every. Damn. Time.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge