*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
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How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Morning my dudes.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup