Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
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ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
This was my dad’s browser history.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?