What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
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me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.