A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
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ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
I love the honesty
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.