30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
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My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.