I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
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Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?