Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
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These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.