perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
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HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Thursday Thought.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.