“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
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Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.