I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
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The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Isn’t
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.