Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
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My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Me: how are you
Friday: good
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
what are they serving at kfc then???
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.