Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
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my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?