“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
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David Attenborough, the confusing early years
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
This forever.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect