If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
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That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.