do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
You Might Also Like
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
dads on road-trips be like
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Favourite diary entry ever
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.