If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
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My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Human are so complicated
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery