Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
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Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course