[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
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Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
lmao
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.