I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
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Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.