The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
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At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.