We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
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FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out