Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
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Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no