Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
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My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Traveler’s camo
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Welcome
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.