*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
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Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son