Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
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Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most