God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
You Might Also Like
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
I came this close!!!!
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Breaking news:
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?