Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
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Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time