Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
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HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
this is funnier than any friends episode
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards